- Brian Maierhofer
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- To Learn Out Of Love
You're staring at your reflection again—another promise to change.
Your body moves with determination, but somewhere deeper, you already know what's coming:
The cycle of ‘let-down’ is as familiar as the face in the mirror.
We've all been there.
That desperate search for something more—a burning desire to finally break through. The intention is pure. The motivation feels real.
But… inevitably, our old self, and with it our old ways, return.
Because while everyone dreams of change, few understand the hidden force that makes it stick.
You see, there's a reason why traditional discipline keeps failing you.
What Does Discipline Really Mean?
Before diving deeper into the patterns that keep people stuck, I’d like to explore some cultural and linguistic context surrounding the word discipline.
Discipline comes from the Latin word 'disciplina,' simply meaning knowledge or instruction. Etymologically, it is deeply related to the word disciple—which means "to learn out of love."
Think about this definition for a second—to learn out of love.
I invite you to see how this reframe feels in your body. Take a second to invite it in: “To learn out of love.”
Does it make your body feel lighter? More energized? More expansive?
What does it do to your sense of possibility? Do you feel more empowered?
I invite you to stay with that feeling…
The more compassionate and nurturing definition of discipline was transformed during the Roman era. The word was appropriated by their military to mean punishment.
As a result, this shift embedded itself deeply in Western culture, where discipline now carries connotations of rigidity, self-denial, and even masochism:
The phrases: "whipping yourself into shape," "cracking down," or "no pain, no gain" come to mind.
Again, take a moment to explore how these militant axioms feel in your body. They reveal our collective belief that change requires force and suffering.
Today, we see this punitive approach to discipline everywhere—in schools where children must sit still for hours, in workplaces that prioritize bottom lines over well-being, and in fitness cultures that glorify pain as a virtue.
Consider the difference between someone who forces themselves to run despite injury because "discipline means pushing through pain" versus someone who approaches running as a practice of loving and learning the language of their body.
The first approach leads to burnout and injury—the second builds sustainable strength and most importantly, joy.
True discipline isn't about punishment or forcing yourself against resistance.
In its purest form, it's about becoming a student of yourself—a student devoted to learning and exploring, with compassion, what supports you.
This understanding reveals why traditional approaches to discipline so often fail us.
First, our cultural programming has corrupted the very meaning of discipline, turning what should be a process of devoted learning into one of rigid control and punishment.
Second, and equally important, discipline operates on the fiction that willpower can override emotion.
During my years as a therapist, I've watched hundreds of people try to overcome their resistance through sheer force of will.
It doesn’t work.
Because your body is addicted to an emotional cycle (based off your subconscious programming) that sits underneath our relationship to discipline.
And until that changes, discipline will stay out of reach.
The Biology of Emotional Addiction
Science has now revealed that certain emotions aren’t just psychologically addictive—but biochemically too.
As neuroscientist Candace Pert discovered, emotions aren't just feelings in your mind. They're actual molecules —neuropeptides and their receptors—that flow through your body, creating what she called the "bodymind network."
When you repeatedly experience an emotion, your body creates more receptors for the corresponding neuropeptides & this is how we become physically addicted to emotional states (even difficult ones like shame or fear).
These emotional chemicals create distinct physiological changes. Your body becomes accustomed to their “chemical signatures” and begins to crave them at a cellular level.
This explains why breaking emotional patterns can feel like classic withdrawal—because neurologically, it is.
So, begs the question:
What are the emotions, and physical states, driving a ‘start again, stop again’ relationship with discipline?
Three Embodied Culprits
1) Hope
2) Fear/Control
3) Shame
The emotional cycle underneath discipline looks like this:
Excitement about the future you want (hope); chest expands, energy surges, possibility feels endless.
Use discipline as a GUARANTEE for your desired result (fear/control); muscles tighten, breathing gets shallow, your body braces for battle.
Fall short, end up feeling like a loser, beating yourself up (shame); your excitement collapses, energy drains, you physically shut down.
Biology informs us that this emotional (and physiological) cycle creates a cocktail of chemicals.
From the dopamine of anticipation to the cortisol of stress to the inflammatory markers of shame—your body learns to anticipate these chemicals and will subconsciously create scenarios to reinforce their release.
The intensity of these emotional shifts becomes its own reward system, regardless of whether the experience is pleasant.
Now, it's important to remove judgment from this emotional and biochemical cycle.
These feelings and sensations are not bad, especially hope, but they contain emotional peaks and valleys—which are always addicting.
Simply put:
People attach themselves to behaviors that reinforce their intensity of feeling, especially if those feelings are ones they are consciously avoiding.
The Psychology of Resistance: Emotional Complexes
This process goes way deeper than just individual patterns.
Carl Jung's theory of complexes helps explain why discipline is so difficult, even when we consciously want to change.
Jung described complexes as emotionally charged groups of ideas that exist in the unconscious mind.
Lets explore—with discipline as an example—the three levels that complexes operate on.
Individual complexes: Your personal history of success and failure, and the emotions these experiences encoded in your body.
Family complexes: Patterns of behavior, beliefs about reward and punishment, and approaches to challenge inherited from your family system.
Cultural complexes: Collective beliefs about discipline, success, and self-improvement that we absorb from society at large.
These complexes act as autonomous sub-personalities that "hijack" our decision-making, especially under stress.
They are constellations of psychic energy that exist outside our own ego, driving and reinforcing certain behaviors according to their design—not ours.
When you try to exercise discipline, you're not just battling your own resistance—you're facing family patterns (perhaps generations of them) and all the cultural programming around what discipline should look and feel like.
For example, if you grew up in a family where effort wasn’t rewarded, or where perfectionism was demanded, those complex emotional patterns become activated when you attempt discipline today.
Your best intentions get overridden by these deeper complexes, which operate largely outside your conscious awareness.
If you fail to harness your discipline, it does not mean that you are an undisciplined person.
It does not mean anything about your self-worth or your ability to create the future that you want.
All it means is that you should take one step back in order to go two steps forward.
Why Your Body Resists Discipline
Through my work in Somatic Psychology, I've observed that what we call ‘lack of discipline’ is often our body's intelligent response to perceived threat.
When you try to force change through willpower alone, your nervous system reads this as danger and responds accordingly:
Disrupted sleep patterns — linked to worry and rumination
Increased muscle tension — manifesting as anxiety and fear of failure
Elevated stress hormones — connected to overwhelm and panic
Emotional dysregulation — emerging as shame and self-judgment
This isn't weakness – it's your body doing exactly what it's designed to do.
The 5-Step Somatic Approach to Lasting Change
Instead of fighting your body's wisdom, here's exactly how to work with it:
1. Body Mapping
Set aside 10 minutes daily to scan your body when thinking about your goals. Write down:
Where you feel tension or expansion
What emotions arise and their physical location
Recurring physical sensations that accompany resistance
Action: Create a "body map" by drawing a simple outline of your body and marking where you consistently hold tension around specific goals. This becomes your personal guide to recognizing when you're in resistance.
2. Pattern Interrupt
When you notice the familiar sensations of resistance:
Take 3 slow breaths, extending exhales longer than inhales
Gently shake or move the body parts holding tension
Change your physical position entirely (stand if sitting, etc.)
Action: Set 3 “pattern-interrupt” alarms on your phone. When they sound, spend 60 seconds noticing your current physical state and deliberately shifting it.
3. Build Safety: Micro-commitments
Create change in increments so small that your body doesn't activate its threat response:
2-minute versions of desired habits instead of 30-minute sessions
Make small changes to your physical environment that supports you
Action: Write down your desired habit, then divide it into 5 tiny steps. Begin with just the first step, practicing it daily until it feels neutral or pleasant in your body before adding the next.
4. Embodied Feedback
Instead of forcing a predetermined approach:
Try three different approaches to the same goal
After each, scan your body for tension vs. expansion
Choose the approach that creates the most ease
Action: Experiment with 3 different times of day for your desired habit. Record energy levels, physical comfort, and emotional state after each. Continue with the timing that feels most supported by your body.
5. Integrate: Wire in Success
Create physical anchors for progress:
Develop a specific celebratory movement for each small win
Consciously name sensations of accomplishment and let them linger
Create physical reminders of progress in your environment
Action: After any successful step, pause for 30 seconds with one hand on your heart. Breathe deeply while mentally noting: "This is what progress feels like in my body." This helps your nervous system recognize and remember success.
This approach might seem slower than traditional discipline, but it creates lasting change because it works with your body rather than against it.
Your body isn't working against you—its goal forever remains the same: protection and self-regulation.
True discipline isn't about force or willpower.
It's about creating a dialogue with your body's wisdom in relation to your goals.
When you learn to listen to these deeper signals, change becomes less about struggle and more about alignment.
Take a breath. Feel into your body. Ask yourself:
"What if my resistance isn't weakness, but wisdom waiting to be heard?"
Because lasting change doesn't come from overpowering your natural rhythms, but from learning to dance with them.
With love and healing,
Brian Maierhofer (Professional Human)