Professional Human

The Struggle for Self-Acceptance

Carl Rogers is responsible for the most popular therapeutic modality today: person-centered or humanistic therapy.

In the 50’s and 60’s, Rogers changed the game. Out went psychoanalysis and behaviorism, in came person-centered therapy.

He was revolutionary in his approach because he emphasized his clients showing “positive emotions” during his sessions.

Most people come into therapy ready to lay their problems at the feet of the therapeutic altar, so this approach was abnormal to clients and the field at the time.

Roger’s believed that the client, not himself, was the expert in the room.

He often believed that clients already know what to do and have the answers; they just need to see themselves and their situation clearly. 

Rogers served as a mirror for his clients.

He was not emotionally detached (like many of the psychoanalysts before him), but he was emotionally involved with his clients.

He strived to showcase 3 emotions to his clients:

• empathy

• genuineness

• unconditional positive regard (love)

For me, what has been so astonishing about using his therapeutic modality is that it feels like you’re doing nothing.

It feels like you’re literally sitting in a room with someone, offering love (both silently and verbally), and watching them grow.

It’s remarkable how much healing can be done when you simply:

1) View people accurately (showcase that you see it all)

2) Focus on their positive qualities (with love)

3) Watch them improve their own lives (with a smile)

Everyone is flawed and beautiful, fearful and courageous, struggling and tenacious.

At first, we need someone (a therapist, family member, friend, or lover) to serve as a mirror for us because we do not see ourselves accurately.

Psychological research indicates that we tend to exaggerate our bad qualities.

Why your self-perception is flawed

Cultural perfectionism

If perfectionism were a coin, shame would be on one side and control would be on the other.

“If I can live perfectly, then I will finally be okay (shame), and get the perfect result (control).”

Perfectionism = shame and control

Our idealized culture, shiny social media profiles and all, promotes perfectionism.

Perfectionism fosters fantasy and corporations profit off of our fantasies. It’s intentional and it’s bad for our mental health.

Corporations provide a bandaid for our (metaphorical) internal bleeding of a wound they caused.

Negativity Bias

Our brain has a natural bias toward negativity.

This is an evolutionary trait designed to keep us alive in a chaotic world.

Simply put, the brain is designed to focus on negative experiences.

This applies to our memories (so we don’t repeat behavior that brings us pain) and our present (so we can solve problems and continue surviving).

Our cognitive processing is skewed toward the negative. You can count on this type of thinking every single day.

This bias causes people to take ambiguous situations and neutral feedback as negative.

The lack of insight around these two aspects of our lives, one cultural and one evolutionary, causes people immense pain.

I’ve seen this in every client that I’ve ever worked with (+100 and counting).

The good news, it’s avoidable.

The Solution

1) Acceptance

Your brain is doing a number on you because that’s what culture and nature designed it to do! Accept it.

If you have negative emotions, make mistakes, and occasionally do bad things there is nothing wrong with you.

It’s way easier to change things once we understand and accept them as they are.

2) Strong relationships

Do not let toxic shame, and perfectionism drive you into isolation.

Understand that you do not view yourself accurately.

Lean into loved ones who smother you with empathy, genuine feedback, and love.

Tell them when you need reassurance; ask for what you need, this is not being “needy,” this is being human.

We need others to serve as a mirror for us.

The more you accept this, the more you will see yourself in the people that you love dearly and realize…

We are all flawed and beautiful, fearful and courageous, struggling and tenacious.

We are all human.

That’s a wrap on this liminal letter. If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you.

See you in two weeks,

B